Becoming a Mom

So, the other day I heard a woman talking about how hard is was to be a mom. She mentioned that when her baby was born everyone she met who was in the same situation (new mom + infant) was all googly eyed and overjoyed at how wonderful being a mom was. At the same time…she was feeling completely overwhelmed and was thinking “what am I doing wrong?” Of course I was eavesdropping on the conversation and jumped right in to say I had felt the same way.

It was hard becoming a mom. Life.changed.forever.

At the hospital before the transfer to Greenville

Our situation was even stranger…I was actually a mom for about 2 weeks before I even got to hold our baby. And when I did, she was attached to wires and cords and all kinds of stuff. Before I delivered Dara I was diagnosed with preeclampsia.  Because of that, I delivered Dara at 35.5 weeks. Even then she was 5.3 pounds. As soon as she was born I was asking…is she ok??? Her apgar scores were good but there were some complications. I never did get to hold her and she was whisked off to the nursery.

She started out on an oxygen tent, and then a c-pap. Both of these were medical interventions to help her breathe. Before the night was over the docs has decided that neither of these were doing enough for her and she would need to be transferred.

I was in pretty sad shape myself. The magnesium sulfate that they had given me to help the preeclampsia had done a number on me.  My kidneys were suffering and my limbs were so heavy I couldn’t even lift them. Magnesium helps preeclampsia patients by replacing the calcium in their bones to help avoid the risk of seizures during labor. Pretty scary stuff. They did the transfer to Pitt County Community Memorial Hospital and she was placed in the NICU. They diagnosed her with persistent pulmonary hypertension(PPHN). 

This led to her being placed on a ventilator and about a gazillion wires. Things were literally touch and go at first. The docs told us that this could be fatal. I had stayed back at the Naval Hospital to try and recover and Carl made the trip to Greenville to be with Dara. He sat with her for endless hours every day. Whenever I would call and talk to the nurses they would always tell me how wonderful he was and how all of her vitals were better when he was there.

I was pretty sick myself…and weak. Weak beyond belief actually. The doc told me if I could walk down the hall myself and eat solid food he would let me leave. So, I did it and he discharged me. My mom had stayed with me (thank goodness) and was living at our house while Carl and I lived in the Ronal McDonald house and visited with Dara every minute that we were allowed.  In the beginning I couldn’t even walk from the parking lot to the NICU without stopping to rest. It was unbelievable.

First time holding her in the NICU

She was there for 2 weeks. Every day Dara grew stronger. The first day I held here was  at about day 12. Once of the nurses couldn’t believe I hadn’t held her yet…so she took her out with all of her wires and I held her. It was crazy…and finally real. We were actually able to hold our baby and she was going to be ok! 

At the same moment we (well…I, Carl seemed calm as usual) was kind of freaking out! Now I had to actually be a mom. Up until that point it was so surreal. I mean I was a mom but my baby was living in a hospital fighting for her life. The first thing I did when they said she could come home was go buy the book “What to Expect the First Year.” I was so happy and sp scared at the same time!

The first few weeks were super hard…but we survived! And there were many days where I felt like it shouldn’t be so hard. And that the mom’s who acted like it wasn’t hard must be lying. Who knows…maybe they really had an easier time of it and were as beaming and happy as they seemed. I won’t ever really believe that

Carl and Dara at home

Even so, I wouldn’t trade it. Every day/hour/moment of difficulty was rewarded with a smile, a milestone met, a funny poop story (not funny at the time usually…but laughable now). And what I’ve discovered that it will never be easy to be a mom. That parenting is a constant learning experience…that once you think you’ve figured it out you get hit with another curve ball and you have to start all over again. But I do believe that every big problem or issue can be wiped out in a single second with a hug, a smile, laughter, and the happiness of my children. That no matter how hard it is I am rewarded with their unconditional love.

Writers Note: During the writing of this blog post I had to break up one Nerf gun fight, clean up pee off the bathroom floor, and deal with a meltdown over not getting candy. Yup…fun stuff!!!