Stop, Wait, Slow Down

The days are passing quickly. Faster than I would like. Stop, wait, slow down! The speed is making me dizzy. One minute I'm up, the next, down. Laughter and tears, happiness and sadness. They are all jumbled up because the time is flying by. I'm not ready yet.

This life. PCS season. Deployment season. It goes round and round and up and down all at once. Another moving truck, another see ya later, another friend who becomes an email buddy. And my husband. Yes, him too. He becomes a packer. A mover. A countdown. A hug that has to last.

Sometime soon I will want time to speed up for a bit. But for now...stop, wait, slow down. I'm just not ready yet.

Happy Birthday Dilly

Today is Dilly's birthday. My "baby" is 5. How bitter sweet!

When Carl and I decided that we might want another baby we were "even." We had our girl and our boy. I never really imagined myself with more than 2 kids. Well, quite honestly with kids at all. I never thought I didn't want children...I was just never a big babysitter/mommy type. So, when we started talking about having another baby we were on the fence. We "practiced" by having a friend's daughter over for dinner and pretending that it was us with 3 kids. Of course...one night of dinner was a pretty scaled down version of what our life would be like with another child to love.

In a mix of a last minute deployment for Carl (2 weeks notice) and the death of my Dad (with no notice at all) I became pregnant with Dilly. So, as far as planned surprises go, we couldn't be luckier. I spent most of the pregnancy as a single mom since Carl as in Cuba...but my kiddos treated me well and we did just fine. But I do remember bringing Dara to preschool (she was 3 1/2) with Caleb on my hip (16 months old) with my preggo belly. I could practically see the "oh my gosh is she crazy" running through the minds of the people that I encountered (lol).

When I look back myself I feel the same way! Ummm...I look at the pictures and think how did we do that? Babies...they were all just babies! Plus I was still working, schlepping Dara to therapies, and keeping Caleb home while Dara was in preschool. It was a crazy time. But we survived (well...we are still only surviving but that it likely a totally different blog post)!

Nothing could ever erase the pain and sadness I feel from losing my Dad. But Dilly reminds me of him every single day. She is the red headed grandchild he always hoped for. She is so much like me in so many ways and I was his little girl up until the very day he died. And she is like him. She just says and does things that remind me that he is always with us...watching over and protecting.

Even though she was only "kinda" planned I honestly feel as though this was how things were meant to be. Even if it was (and still is crazy) here in the Haven's household, our "Silly Dilly" is and was the final piece of the puzzle that makes our little family complete. I can't imagine how our life would ever be complete without her. So, Happy birthday sweet baby girl! I wish you could stay 5 forever!

I Gotta Be Me

It's been a long time again since I've written anything. I have the usual excuses...busy, work, kids, the normal craziness. As I was finishing up work for the evening (yes...I have been tied to my computer at all waking hours these days) I just started thinking that even on a "not s great, super chaotic, I don't love this Monday, type of day, that when it really comes down to it...I am pretty lucky.

I'm lucky because I choose this life. With all it's chaois and craziness...it is mine. It defines me.

I think that sometimes when I try and hold myself to the standards of others, I forget how lucky I am.

So I'm gonna try not to do that...and just be me.

High ho, High Ho, its Off to Work I Go!

Written on the plane...1/29

So, I am traveling for business this week. Its been a whole year since I have had to go on a work trip...and about 2 years before that. Its not too much to ask...and the change of pace is good for me. It reminds me how much I like my work, my life, and how much I love my husband and my kids.

Luckily I have a supportive husband, and some great friends helping me out so I know that evenyone will be taken care of. Even so...I still worry about how everyone will do when I am gone. It's weird b/c when Carl goes away (even though he's been home for over a year now) he leaves for so long. I hardly ever go away...so I think it is harder for the kids to adjust since I am thier constant.

I read to the kids last night before bed. When Carl is home (meaning not deployed) he does the bedtime routine. It is really the only time during the week he gets to spend with the kids. But since I was leaving early this morning I read and tucked the kids in. Here's how it went...

Me: Good night baby.
Dara: Good night mommy. See you tomorrow.
Me: No baby...mommy is going to work tomorrow. I will see you on Friday
Dara: OK mommy. I will miss you.
Me: I love you
Dara: I love you too

Caleb: "Mommy, I don't want you to go to work."
Me: I know buddy...but i wont be gone long
Caleb: I want you to stay here
Me: I know...but mommy only has to do this once or twice a year
Caleb: Twice? I don't want you to go twice! Do you go to work so you can make money?
Me: Kind of. I go to work because that's just what I do.
Caleb: Can you leave me something so I can remember you. Maybe you could draw me a picture of yourself
Me: Don't worry. You won't forget me. How bout I write you a note?
Caleb: OK. That would be good. How about you 3 write notes?
Me: OK...I'll do that.

Me: Good night dilly
Dilly: Good night mommy
Me: I will see you soon OK. Save me some snuggles for when I get home
Dilly: OK. But I don't want you to go to work.
Me: I know But I will talk to you on the phone...ok. And ou will have so much fun that you will hardly miss me.
Dilly: Can we talk on the computer?
Me: Maybe
Dilly: Ok. I love you mommy
Me: You too baby

So...that was harder than I thought. I mean...they were all ok. But it was harder for me to say goodnight than I thought it would be. I will be the first to admit that I enjoy a break from my children. That as much as I cherish them and the moments we spend together, sometimes those moments are simply too much.

I will only be gone from them for 4 days...not even...since I will see them Friday night before bed and I was so sad last night and this morning. I even teared up a little on the drive to the airport.

Time Flies When You Are Having Fun

Dara

For some reason I feel old. I mean...not Old Lady Old...but just kind of old.  Maybe it's because I am quickly approaching the 2nd birthday of my 40th year? Or my 11th wedding anniversary  Maybe it is that my "babies" will be 9 (HOLY COW), 7, and 5 this year!!! 

It seems like 2013 is already flying by. Yes...I know that it is only Jan 13. But when I look at the next 2-3 months I have  a vacation, 2 week long work trips, 2 local race events, and 1 girls's race weekend planned and that's not counting the kids or Carl's stuff. Since I have to plan for all of these things in advance it feels like they will approach quickly. Then it will be spring break and summer will be here in a flash! I love summer btw...so I am excited about that. But it means that sooner than I care to think of it I will have 3 children in elementary school.

Caleb

I cannot lie...I am eager to have an entire "school day" to get things accomplished. Work, training, cleaning, etc. But then in the hustle and bustle of afterschool and evening routine time will go even faster. I am suddenly feeling like I am caught in a tornado like whirlwind that will end with me having 3 grown children and I will look back and wonder where the time has gone.

Dilly

Food Fights

At the end of 2012 I started prepping the kids for some new adventures in 2013. Basically...this adventure would be with food. I guess I should back up a little.

I'm not really sure how/when my kids started eating only "kid" food. You know what I mean...noodles, hot dogs, chicken nuggets. As babies they all ate more adventurous foods. Dara and I used to share turkey cutlets and rice dinners when Carl was deployed. Caleb loved meatballs and peas (and boy could that kid eat!), and Dilly used to eat sliced avocado! I can't really complain as far as kids foods go since they eat TONS of fruits and the veggies (only raw) repertoire is expanding. But every night I make at least 3 different meals. Dilly doesn't like hot dogs, Dara won't eat noodles.

It's my own fault I guess. During deployments I never really cooked. I fed the kids "kid" food and I kind of ate whatever. Since we had several deployments kind of back to back I never really got into the habit of making them eat grown up stuff. For awhile I bribed them by telling them if they ate a bite of something I would give them a piece of candy (mother of the year...right?). That experiment worked for a few things...Caleb eats some rice, Dara likes yellow peppers and Dilly will eat pork chops. Without the candy bribe...none of them would have even tried those things.

In December we told them that we were going to make them try a bite of whatever we eat  in 2013. So far Carl is doing a juicing experiment and I am trying to eat Paleo...so now I am making even more meals (liquid included) and we aren't enforcing our "you must try one bite" rule.

I guess I should be happy with what they eat. I do my best to feed them the best of what they like...such as nitrate free all beef hot dogs and whole grain pasta. Every dinner includes fruits and veggies and Caleb and Dilly eat Greek yogurt. And I have decided to pick my battles. I'm thinking that I will have some lessons in making your own food/lunches this summer...lol. So then, at least they will be involved in the craziness of distributing different food for everyone.

Or...I can make them drink beet juice...Carl really likes that one.

2013 Here We Come!

I knew it had been a long time since I updated my blog...but I can't believe I haven't written since OCTOBER! Yikes! But here I am again...vowing to be better...to be the writer I have decided I want to be.

As I sit here and contemplate 2013 I an overwhelmed with ideas and plans. Things I want to do...changes I want to make. I am planning...and planning. So I bet you are wondering why I am not sharing all my plans...lol. Well, I have been here before. I've made plans and not followed through. So, I want to test them out first. See what I can do. And I figure it will give me lots of things to write about when they succeed.

One thing I do want to do in 2013 is keep this blog up to date. If I really want to succeed at world domination...then I must write. It's funny... because I write about 3 blog posts a day in my head. Yup...write there in my noggin. Cute things the kids say, inner most feelings and thoughts, opinions on current events...but that's where they stay. I keep them there because that is where they are safe...where I can think and not stir the pot, offend or hold back.

When I started this whole blog thing I swore I'd be 100% honest. Don't get me wrong...there's ways to be honest that are not harsh or hurtful or ignorant. But someone will always disagree. And I am not sure that I am ready to put my whole self out there to be judged or disagreed with. I am not sure that I have the grace to write in a way that will inform rather than offend. To craft my thoughts in a way  that is inherently honest and true and informative but not sappy, or blunt, or harsh, or opinionated. A smart lady always told me...once you write something down, you can't ever take it back. So, I'm working on being OK with that. OK with being true and honest, and having something written down forever and ever.

The Sunny Side of Life

I've been busy. So what...right? If I really want to become a seriously famous blogger I actually need to update my blog more than once in almost a month (and figure out how to actually get people to follow my blog...lol) so busy is no excuse. Honestly, I'm not sure I will ever be famous, but it would be cool. I mean, what mom hasn't read the story of Beyonce? Or read at least one Momastary post? It's not that I feel like I am so important that everyone will want to read my blog, like they have those, but I do hope someday that my sometimes complex, sometimes simple, and sometimes just plain silly utterings will have enough significance to make people think about...or rethink about how they feel about themselves, their kids, or their life.

So in an attempt to obtain world domination (I kid) here's my latest attempt at a complex, simple, silly uttering. The other day as I was having my morning chat with some friends in the parking lot after drop off, a friend of mine told one of the other ladies that we were chatting with that I always tried to find the positive side of things. She was right. Well, most of the time. I'm not always that person...but I do try. Sometimes its annoying...I know. And I hope I don't ever seem like I am minimalizing a situation. I am always just trying to find the sunny side. Don't get me wrong. I have had many times in my life where I just wanted to sit in my closet with the door closed and cry...to wallow in my own sadness and despair. And I have. But once I am done with that I try to find the positive side of the situation and that is what helps me get through. Do I still feel sad on the inside? Yes. Does my smile sometimes shift to tears in moments? Absolutely. But when all is said and done...I am still going to try and find the sunny side...so maybe you will too.

My reasons to smile...

 

Everybody Shares Sometimes...

"Everybody shares sometimes." This, I believe is one of Dara's favorite saying right now. She always says it when she wants to play with my Ipad. Which is often. 

If she had a choice, she would play with my Ipad or her Ipod Touch 24 hours a day. Of course I don't let  her...but her radar is always on. She can spot a phone through a jacket pocket or even  in a purse sometimes. And if you are texting or playing on your phone...she will be very interested and start to look over your shoulder...even if you are a perfect stranger.

Dara playing with her Ipod Touch 

We are trying very hard to break her of this habit...but it has been tough. If you are the "target" of her desire the impulse and urge to see or experience whatever is happening on your phone (or ipad, ipod, whatever) is much greater than the urge to follow the rules. She just wants it and that is it. One of my dear friends (Elizabeth...we love you!) said something today that made so much sense and links this behavior to the fact that Dara has PDD (NOS). Dara just says and does what everyone else WANTS to...but doesn't. For example, she didn't want to stay at the park today so she just continued to tell me that she wanted to leave. "Are we done yet?" 'Can we go home now?" "I don't want to stay here." She just blatantly speaks her mind. 

It seems funny to discuss the fact that she wants to play with an Iphone as an element of her diagnosis of PDD (NOS). I mean, it's not really...but it what that desire symbolizes. So, when she wants to know what is on your "electronic device" she will just straight up ask you if she can see it and use it. Much of this "tell it like it is" behavior is a direct result of PDD (NOS) which causes her to have an altered perspective of the the world around her and how she should act in it. 

On the other hand... it is so fun to get a glimpse into how her brain works and how she can navigate through these devices. My friend Meredith came to visit us this summer and is now the proud owner of a Hello Kitty app purchased by Dara...lol. I hope it didn't cost too much. I have the app store password protected on her touch and my Ipad...and I have to hide my password from her so she doesn't buy whatever app she chooses. This is partially because she earns apps (kind of like allowance) for good behavior and making good choices and loses them (instead of time out or some other punishment) when necessary. 

So, if she walks up behind you one day...she is just interested in what your phone has to offer...just remember she doesn't mean for her persistence to be bothersome or intrusive she is just interested. That said, don't let her uncover your password!

Never Forget

Last year Dara brought home an A-Z reader about Heroes. The "book" included vivid (even in black and white) images of firemen carrying people covered in dust down stairwells and the Twin Towers engulfed in smoke. As I looked through the book I was overwhelmed by the images and immediately decided that I would request that her teacher send home a different book for homework. The next day, there was a new book in Dara's backpack and that was that.

Did I make a mistake? Was I being over protective? Would it have been OK for my 7 year old 1st grader to  view these images and read about 9/11? I was reflecting on that this morning as I turned on the radio for the 9/11 moment of silence...just as I have every year since that awful day. I listened to the first set of names as I was driving onto the base this morning, tearful for those families and for America on that day, I reflected on how just a single moment or event can change everything that you think you might know.

I remember where I was...sitting at my desk in Ballston, Virginia. Someone came into my office and said the towers had been hit. I instantly tried to figure out what was happening but my internet was down...phone lines were jammed. Since we had no TV several of us walked down to the lobby to watch the coverage on a small black and white TV that sat in the corner of the Dry Cleaners on the first floor. We all watched, speechless, in disbelief. I checked my voicemail, there was a frantic message from my mom. She was in NY (Long Island) and was trying to see if I was OK. The Pentagon had been hit by a plane. My office was only 2 miles away...but she didn't know that for sure. I shouldn't have really even been at work that day. My grandmother had passed away just 2 days before...but I had put my bereavement leave on hold. Instead, there I was, staring in amazement, overwhelmed, and in shock.

I want my children to understand what happened that day, the impact that it had on their lives before they were even born. I want them to understand that there are people in this world that don't like us...just because we are Americans but to be proud of our country and be the best people and Americans that they can be. When will I feel like it is OK to share the events of that day with them? I don't know. Because in that same breath I want to protect them from the tragedy and the fact that there are people in this world who are just bad through and through.

Life can change in a minute. Days like September 11 remind us of that. They remind us that life is precious, that America is Beautiful and that there are many people that have and will continue to sacrifice for the truths and freedoms that we hold dear as Americans.

And even though I am not ready to share...I will never forget.

I Have to Half and it's Contagious!

If you would have told me 3 years ago that running is contagious, I would have laughed. And I mean laughed long and hard. I HATED running. Yes...it's true. Complete DISLIKE. But a friend of mine talked me into running with her (thank you Shayna!)...and soon afterwards I was actually enjoying it. I joined a gym...found a running partner who taught me SO much about running (thanks Jen!)...and finished two 5ks, an 8k, and a 1/2 marathon within my first 9 months of running (or rather...hurling myself forward by putting one foot in front of the other...lol).

Fast forward 2 years later and I've come a VERY long way! I've run several more races including several 5ks, 8ks, and 10ks, a total of 8 half marathons, 3 Have 2 Halfs (details on those later), a full marathon, and 1 sprint triathlon. I attribute this all to the contagiousness of running! Yes, it sounds crazy...but I am addicted. Even on days that I hate my run, I can't imagine not doing it. I've even placed in my age group or on a team in some races and I have a slew of 1/2 marathon medals. One of the reasons I love that distance is that you get a medal once you cross the finish line whether you are first, last, or somewhere in  between. Those shiny medals distract me.

Me, Analisa, and Ryanne, the 
ladies behind the H2H
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

So, back to the purpose of this post. Last year I joined a running club for military spouses called Stroller Warriors(TM). Admittedly, I am pretty much a strollerless warrior...since I rarely run with my children...but the group welcomed me with or without my stroller. This spring (early summer actually) two of the group's leaders came  up with the idea that they wanted to run a 1/2 marathon every month for a year. Yes. 13.1 miles once a month for a whole year. It was then that the Stroller Warrior have to Half was born.

The purpose of the H2H series is to provide a safe, familiar, supportive, and fun environment in which to run 13.1 miles while supporting a specific charity. If you complete the full 13.1 you are eligible for a Stroller Warriors H2H medal which you can buy at cost for $5.75. Then, with a minimum donation of $10.00 you receive a lapel pin from the selected charity to add to your super cool medal. There are no additional fees, the club and organizers do not make any money from the race...all proceeds go directly to charity. How amazing is that??? 

Some of us in our cool new SW medals after the Semper
Fi Fund race!
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

The series started in June. There were just under 30 racers who ran to support wounded and fallen warriors for the Semper Fi fund. We had at least 1 first time half marathoner run the race along with 2 ladies who ran beside her every step of the way to support her all the way to the finish. It was AMAZING to be there to see those ladies cross the finish line!

Liz and Me at the water station.
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

The second race in the series raised money for another SW and her efforts to raise money for the MCM. We supported Liz by running for Cure Epilepsy and her daughter Maddie. It was SO hot but once again...motivated by the finishers of the first H2H several ladies who had never ran a 1/2 marathon before took the plunge! There were also planned water stations with volunteers cheering us on with hydration and iced towels! I was lucky to be able to run with Liz who left Camp Lejune to move to Raleigh this summer. The heat was brutal but the company was great!


So...FINALLY on to the 3rd H2H in the series. I am humbled to say that this race was to support ME and my efforts to raise money for the Organization for Autism Research. I worked with the awesome race director at OAR and she provided me with medals, lapel pins, literature, race shirts, and tee shirts. Now, if you race at all...you know BLING and SWAG is very important to runners. And the H2H series is no different! People were excited about the medals and the opportunity to give back to such an amazing charity! Every day the race number climbed up a few. People were so excited (hence I was SO excited!). We had SO many newbies run this race...and a total of 54 participants overall. Everyday another Stroller Warrior was donating on my fundraising page or telling me how excited they were to run t his race. It was CRAZY and AMAZING and GREAT all at the same time. 

My OAR shirt.
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

On the day of the race I got there bright and early. Race signup and announcements commenced in the dark, but I could see the donation bucket quickly filling up. All I could say during announcements was "Thank You!" I was overcome by the generosity of the ladies in this group! Everyone was so excited for the race and for me and how much money we could raise for OAR. It was not an easy 13.1...but it was worth every step! My family was at the end to great me as I crossed the finish line and I was able to see friends and new half marathoners cross as well. It was amazing to run with such great partners and friends for something that is so near and dear to me. 


Stroller Warriors and  the H2H for Dara helped me raise MORE THAN my initial fundraising goal for the Marine Corp Marathon...now these ladies are still donating and helping me triple...maybe quadruple my goals! In addition to this amazing race and the donations that just keep coming in on my fundraising page the members of SW Camp Pendleton hosted a play date and 13.1 mile run (Thanks Patty, Mia, and Sarah!) where they collected donations and several other members have volunteered to help me by making a bib and medal holder to raffle off (thanks Nicole!) and donated proceeds from their own personal business sales (thanks Kelly!). 

I am so thankful to EVERYONE running partners, friends, colleagues, and family who have supported me during the past few years and during this adventure of MCM fundraising. You are all special and generous and THAT is CONTAGIOUS!!!

To donate please visit my donation page at http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/deanahavens/2012mcm.

OAR Bling and Swag!

Which way do we go?
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

Morning sign up.
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

 

Race support staff: Megan, Elizabeth, and Steph
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

Crystal finishing her first 1/2 marathon!
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

Carl and Dara
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

Race tat
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

Beth's water station sign.
Photo taken by Elizabeth Harlow.

Special thanks to Elizabeth Harlow for capturing these photos. And thanks again to all the racers and Stroller Warriors who volunteered to participate in this even as runners or support staff!!! I wish I had room to post pictures of each and every one of you!

School Daze

First day pictures were a total FAIL

So, Monday was the first day of school for Dara and Caleb. If I said I was totally sad, I would be lying. I have been missing them during the day times so far but I have been enjoying the freedom that comes from school. Dilly and I have been running errands and getting some things done around the house...which has been both fun and rewarding since I can spend some time with her and feel like I am finally accomplishing something after a summer of just trying to get stuff done but being interrupted every five minutes and just giving up. That said, when I gave up I was actually able to pay attention to the kiddies...so maybe it wasn't such a  bad  idea.

Is this a happy face or what...lol

My kids like school...kind-of. And when I say that I mean it in the best way possible (just in case any teachers are reading this...lol. even if t hey don't like to do their school work...they do love YOU). Every night at bedtime Dara asks if she will get to go to school tomorrow...and  then asks when she can check books out of the library (my book worm!) and Caleb has told me this is the best school year ever. Dilly was all smiles as she left her first day of orientation today for preschool that starts 4 mornings a week next week (note she is wiped out and napping right now!) But...even with the desire to be at school they still miss being at home. No matter how you slice it, even on the funnest days, school means demands and work. Basically, school is like a kids job. And even though I love to work and get satisfaction and enjoyment from it, I also love it when I don't have to work. When I was working in an office, I always looked forward to Friday and dreaded the insomnia of Sunday night before starting the work week on Monday. So, if a choice could be made, my kids would probably opt for school some days and home some days.

Dilly getting on the action by being the only one smiling.

I like school for them too...kind of. I mean, school gives them amazing opportunities to learn, not only about facts, but about other people, diversity, respect. It provides them with the opportunity to grow and foster relationships with other intelligent and diverse kids and adults. It challenges them in ways that will help them grow their knowledge and as human beings. It also challenges them to cope, to adjust, to focus, to face people who might not be so nice, to make choices about who they want to be and how they want other people to see them. These things can be both amazing and difficult at the same time. They are part of life...of growing up...and the part where I just want to jump in and guide them and protect them all at the same time... mommy bear style. It is both difficult and rewarding to see my children grow. It provides me great joy as well as sadness all at the same time. I guess I need to just keep crossing my fingers, fighting battles for them when I can, and believe that just by feeling this way I am doing something right.

"Tri-ing" Something New!

Tomorrow morning...bright and early...I am participating in the Cherry Point Sprint Triathlon. I'm not sure who's kool-aid I was drinking when I registered...but somehow I thought  this might be a good idea. Am I excited for this new experience? Absolutely!!! And I completely nervous and anxious? Absolutely!!! Am I crazy for trying to fit this in along with getting ready for school to start and training for a marathon...ummm...yes!

This crazy idea actually started brewing when I decided to sell my bib for the Annapolis 10-miler I signed up for several months ago. Originally, I had planned on taking a "mommycation" (which will be fully defined and discussed in a future blog post). The plan was I would head to Annapolis, MD on Friday, stay through the weekend to run the race on Sunday morning, then head back to NC on Monday. I planned to spend the weekend living like a grown-up (lol), spending time with a dear friend from college and seeing some other college and post college friends, some old colleagues, and even a friend from here that had just moved to VA. I thought running the race would combine a fun weekend away (much needed) with some additional MCM training. 

Then, about a month ago, I realized that my kids started school on August 27, the day after the race. I was already thinking I couldn't get there until Sat...so coming home Sunday really sucked the fun out of the whole trip. I would drive up, be tired, run a hilly 10-miler on Sunday, then drive home. Carl was totally prepared to take on the whole first day of school thing...but I just felt like I didn't want to miss it. Even though I REALLY want to take a mommycation...it wasn't worth missing the first day of school for the kiddies. 

So, after I was able to sell my bib, somehow, I got wind of this sprint Tri. I don't know if it was someone elses' idea...or mine...but I do know that several of my friends jumped in and signed up while I was still contemplating it. Have I trained...um...barely...lol. So it should be interesting! I've still been focused on my marathon training and I've used the bike as cross training. I've been in the pool a few times...and I actually have a swim lesson today (lesson 2 of 2 that I am taking with some friends).  When I told my instructor that the race was this weekend...she was very surprised...lol. Big confidence builder.  Note that I am taking the lesson while my kids swim in another part of the pool under the supervision of a lifeguard...yeah right. I don't imagine my lesson lasting very long unless I plan on swimming while dragging the munchkins behind.

Goals for tomorrow's race: 

1. Swim 400 meters without passing out

2. Stay on the bike without falling, getting a flat tire, or any other big disasters

3. Getting off the bike and heading to the run knowing that my legs will eventually feel better

4. Remembering to take off my helmet in the transition between the bike and the run

5. Encourage spectators to capture memories with photos from the waist up (haha)

6. Cross the finish line without having to be dragged over it

So, wish me luck! A new challenge awaits!

Dates with Babes!

Taking time to be with my kids individually is hard. I know that sounds kind of silly, but between therapies for Dara, camps, running, work (when I have it) it just takes extra time and planning that I don't always have. They are also kind of conditioned from deployments and workups...meaning that when there is only one parent around it is hard to do anything without all four of us being together. Plus, my kids are so close in age that when they are not fighting with each other they actually kind of like each other's company. 

I couldn't stop laughing at this ring!

 

Mmmmmm...Superman ice cream!

This summer, before our babysitter left for her new teaching job, I took some time to schedule dates with the kids. I let them choose (kind of) what we were going to do. Dara and I went to a movie and had ice cream for breakfast and for lunch. The funny thing is, she didn't really eat any of it either time...she just loved that I was letting her do it! Caleb and I played mini golf and went to the arcade at Mac Daddy's. He picked a skull ring as one of his prizes for his tickets and kept telling me it was the best day ever. Dilly and I went shopping (of course!) and went to buy a rainbow dolphin  that she remembered seeing at the aquarium. We stopped by all of her favorite exhibits after we bought "Milly" the dolphin and she was over the moon. I can't believe I have never done this more. I mean, I get some alone time with the kids but we don't usually plan fun individual excursions. Usually it is just a trip to the grocery store or the Dunkin Donuts drive thru.

This isn't from our date, but I love it!

I really enjoyed hanging with each one of them as individuals. Saying that out loud makes me feel like I never spend any time with them...even though that is far from true. It was just nice to be able to really hear them...rather than fight over the noise of all three kids together and have to referee every conversation or action. I am so glad that they enjoy each other, but at the same time, they make each other (and me, when that happens) crazy! 

We only have one week left until school starts. On one hand, I am ready for the break. This year I will have 4 days a week to myself until 12:00, when I pick Dilly up from preschool. On the other hand, I am going to miss them. Not the bickering (I mentioned that they fight...and make me nuts... didn't I?) but just knowing what their day entails and being able to share that with them and protect them from the  unknown. I am dreading the morning routine and how tired they will be on a daily basis, how busy Dara will be with school and ABA, Caleb's soccer practice, and everyone's HOMEWORK (yuk!). 

I also hate the idea that I will want to rush the school year...so we can have another summer. Every school year that passes, means my "babies" grow up a little more...and that is bittersweet. 

6 Days Between Posts

It's been almost a week and I haven't posted. Yikes. I've gone over about 20 possible posts in  my head. I  had several ideas yesterday on a long ride in the saddle (that's my cool talk for riding my bike) on the trainer as I was sweating it out in my garage and several on my long treadmill run today. I love that I can think when I run. It is my favorite kind of multitasking.

But even after all those fabulous ideas...I am only writing a short post about why I am not posting. Doesn't make much sense does it? Oh well. I had a friend tell me today that she loved reading my blog (you know who you are!) and that excites me...in a writing kind of way (this is a PG blog people!) and makes me want to write more. So I will...and I hope my posts can stay true enough and interesting enough to keep reading.

I Don't Do Lists

If I actually wrote a to-do list it would be about a mile long. 

I think the reason I don't typically write lists is that I don't want to obsess over all of the things that I need/should/want to do when I am doing the things I am actually doing. If I did write a list it would be about a mile and a half long! For example, I need/want to redo the upstairs bathroom (I bought the primer in March and it is still sitting in the garage!), reorganize all the kids clothes for school, clean out the attic, reorganize the garage, dig around the pool filter and add rocks and pavers...yikes...I could keep going but that would be a list...and I don't make lists!!!

How on earth do people fit it all in??? I mean, I can barely go to the bathroom by myself some days! Right now I can barely even write this blog post! I love  my kids endlessly...but seriously...I can't get anything that might be on my list [if I made lists] done without 50 million interruptions...which means I simply can't get anything done!

I have loved the summer so far. We've had fun just hanging at home. We've been to NY and VA. Dara's been attending camp two days a week and Caleb and Dilly have done swim lessons. We had friends in this past weekend, Carl completed his sailing course, and we've had several pool and play dates. It has really been great hanging with the kids even when they are making me crazy! So, maybe not having a list has been a good thing so I don't get too wrapped up in the things I am not accomplishing.

I guess if I wrote a list for the summer it would look like this... 

TO DO: 

1. Hang out with the kids

2. Try to be patient with them

3. Remember that they are kids and this is their vacation too so let them watch TV and play video games and do other fun kids stuff

4. Give (and get) lots of hugs

5. Don't obsess over the toys on the floor or the glue and markers that won't wipe off the table

6. Remember to be patient (I think I need this one a few times)

7. Don't worry about what's not getting done, focus on what you ARE doing

8. Remember that time passes quickly and you can't get back a minute once it is gone

9. Use your inside voice (a nicer way to say don't yell...lol)

10. Just be happy with who you are and focus on CAN not CAN'T

11. Remember that no one is perfect...not you and not them!

Not Quite "People of Walmart"...Yet

So I haven't showered yet today. Nice...right? It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't run this morning at 6:00 but heat + humidity + run + me = stinky. I actually changed out of the morning running clothes into clean running clothes...but I still stink.

When you have kids, something happens, you become an extension of their mess. Your mess just doesn't seem to matter as much anymore. Or if it does...you just don't have as  much time to fix it up. When your kids are babies you go through a phase where everything you own smells like spit-up or sour milk. You are changing diapers (pee and poop...yuk!) and you barely have time to spend a minute on yourself. You are too busy following behind them wiping noses, and faces, and bottoms. Picking up the mess they leave behind, whether it be toys, or crayons, or books, or snacks, or juice boxes. Then, as the children multiply and age,  so do their needs and your responsibilities. They need to be driven places, entertained, scheduled for play dates, camps, sports, etc. They need to go to the doctor and to the dentist. In our case, we have ABA  therapy and social groups to attend. Even though they have gained so much independence they still need so much.  My kids are a full time job!  

I'm not complaining. This is a choice (to use my time in other ways) and I will get to that shower eventually...but I used to swear I would never leave the house without looking put together. Well, I am not in the "people of Walmart category" (yet) but I have been known to leave the house with a wet head (at least I showered...right) and deodorant on my shirt (at least I remembered to put some on). These days, what I deem acceptable attire for a trip to the commissary or park is far different than what I would have ever considered before I had kids. "Sprucing up" is less important that the 60 billion other things I want to try to do or needs I try to meet in a day.

Craft for the day

So, here I sit. In a running skirt and Under Armour top. I've spent the day grocery shopping, making an Indiana Jones satchel out of a paper bag and duct tape, updating i-touch's, ipods, and computers, folding laundry, unpacking from a weekend trip, dropping off and picking up from camp, filling the car with gas, and checking FB about 80 times (yes...I am addicted). Now it's time to make dinner...and I still need a shower. 

Becoming a Mom

So, the other day I heard a woman talking about how hard is was to be a mom. She mentioned that when her baby was born everyone she met who was in the same situation (new mom + infant) was all googly eyed and overjoyed at how wonderful being a mom was. At the same time…she was feeling completely overwhelmed and was thinking “what am I doing wrong?” Of course I was eavesdropping on the conversation and jumped right in to say I had felt the same way.

It was hard becoming a mom. Life.changed.forever.

At the hospital before the transfer to Greenville

Our situation was even stranger…I was actually a mom for about 2 weeks before I even got to hold our baby. And when I did, she was attached to wires and cords and all kinds of stuff. Before I delivered Dara I was diagnosed with preeclampsia.  Because of that, I delivered Dara at 35.5 weeks. Even then she was 5.3 pounds. As soon as she was born I was asking…is she ok??? Her apgar scores were good but there were some complications. I never did get to hold her and she was whisked off to the nursery.

She started out on an oxygen tent, and then a c-pap. Both of these were medical interventions to help her breathe. Before the night was over the docs has decided that neither of these were doing enough for her and she would need to be transferred.

I was in pretty sad shape myself. The magnesium sulfate that they had given me to help the preeclampsia had done a number on me.  My kidneys were suffering and my limbs were so heavy I couldn’t even lift them. Magnesium helps preeclampsia patients by replacing the calcium in their bones to help avoid the risk of seizures during labor. Pretty scary stuff. They did the transfer to Pitt County Community Memorial Hospital and she was placed in the NICU. They diagnosed her with persistent pulmonary hypertension(PPHN). 

This led to her being placed on a ventilator and about a gazillion wires. Things were literally touch and go at first. The docs told us that this could be fatal. I had stayed back at the Naval Hospital to try and recover and Carl made the trip to Greenville to be with Dara. He sat with her for endless hours every day. Whenever I would call and talk to the nurses they would always tell me how wonderful he was and how all of her vitals were better when he was there.

I was pretty sick myself…and weak. Weak beyond belief actually. The doc told me if I could walk down the hall myself and eat solid food he would let me leave. So, I did it and he discharged me. My mom had stayed with me (thank goodness) and was living at our house while Carl and I lived in the Ronal McDonald house and visited with Dara every minute that we were allowed.  In the beginning I couldn’t even walk from the parking lot to the NICU without stopping to rest. It was unbelievable.

First time holding her in the NICU

She was there for 2 weeks. Every day Dara grew stronger. The first day I held here was  at about day 12. Once of the nurses couldn’t believe I hadn’t held her yet…so she took her out with all of her wires and I held her. It was crazy…and finally real. We were actually able to hold our baby and she was going to be ok! 

At the same moment we (well…I, Carl seemed calm as usual) was kind of freaking out! Now I had to actually be a mom. Up until that point it was so surreal. I mean I was a mom but my baby was living in a hospital fighting for her life. The first thing I did when they said she could come home was go buy the book “What to Expect the First Year.” I was so happy and sp scared at the same time!

The first few weeks were super hard…but we survived! And there were many days where I felt like it shouldn’t be so hard. And that the mom’s who acted like it wasn’t hard must be lying. Who knows…maybe they really had an easier time of it and were as beaming and happy as they seemed. I won’t ever really believe that

Carl and Dara at home

Even so, I wouldn’t trade it. Every day/hour/moment of difficulty was rewarded with a smile, a milestone met, a funny poop story (not funny at the time usually…but laughable now). And what I’ve discovered that it will never be easy to be a mom. That parenting is a constant learning experience…that once you think you’ve figured it out you get hit with another curve ball and you have to start all over again. But I do believe that every big problem or issue can be wiped out in a single second with a hug, a smile, laughter, and the happiness of my children. That no matter how hard it is I am rewarded with their unconditional love.

Writers Note: During the writing of this blog post I had to break up one Nerf gun fight, clean up pee off the bathroom floor, and deal with a meltdown over not getting candy. Yup…fun stuff!!!

Mental Toughness

So, this morning I dragged myself out of bed for a 6 mile run. This was my second 6-miler of the week, and the second one that I needed to completely talk myself through every minute and mile to finish. Just to that tree, just till the end of the song, just keep going, don’t stop.

The bridge in Swansboro. Part of today's 6 mile run.

I could blame this on several factors…such as my nutrition and hydration yesterday was awful or that I was awake a large part of the night with Dara (who couldn’t sleep…poor thing). I could blame it on the heat or the fact that my ipod is on the fritz and just plays whatever it wants instead of my running playlist (instead of jamming out to my favorite songs from Glee, I wind up singing the soundtrack from The Muppets). But in the end, what it boiled down to was plain old mental toughness.

This morning I was not tough. This has happened before…lots of times actually. But it is the WORST when it happens during a race. When I ran the VA Beach R&R Half Marathon and the Quintiles Half Marathon I knew by mile 4 that the next 9.1 miles would be grueling, that I would have to fight with myself every step. And I did. I finished…but I finished hating both of those races and instead of feeling accomplished for running 13.1, I felt defeated. My mind beat my body.

I think that will be my biggest challenge for the Marine Corps Marathon this year. Not letting myself feel defeated by my training…just running to run and enjoy and experience this amazing race…oh and being mentally tough enough to beat my time goal J. 

The Big A...or in our case...P

I want to write a little bit about Autism. I think as my blog and writing evolves it will be a popular topic for me. I don’t want to blog only about autism (as so many do) because my life includes so much more than that. Don’t get me wrong it is a big part of our lives and doesn’t only impact Dara. We are a family of five and we are all touched by it in some way. Clearly, Dara faces the most challenges from autism, but we live this life alongside her. 

Actually, autism is the standard buzz word we use to describe Dara’s diagnosis. But she was “officially” diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (Not Otherwise Specific), PDD (NOS) several months before her third birthday. Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) is is a diagnosis for people with most, but not all, of the characteristics of autism. 

Where did this PDD (NOS) come from? Was she born with it? Was it a pre-existing condition that occurred as a reaction to drugs that she received at birth? Was it the environment? We don’t know. I have some personal theories…but of course they are not backed by real scientific evidence…just mom’s intuition. So, maybe I’ll save them for another day.

So, what am I trying to convey here? That autism is something that I want to talk openly about. And I do talk about it…but now I guess I will write about it too.